Detroit vs. Miami, the Sequel:GOODBYE HEAT
Well, well, well, its that time of the year again, with the NBA Playoffs for the Eastern Conference Finals. Its all about matchups, NOT only ON but also OFF the court. Here are the matchups:Detroit vs. Miami, the Sequel:GOODBYE HEAT Weather: NO Beach vs. South Beach.Advantage: Miami MUSIC: Madonna vs. Gloria Estefan. The Queen of Pop against the conga. Benefit: Detroit Very best SONG ABOUT CITY: Kisss Detroit Rock City vs. Will Smiths Miami. The Fresh Prince has as much street credibility as the Backstreet Boys. In addition to, Gene Simmons has slept with a lot more females than Wilt Chamberlain. Advantage: Detroit RAPPER: Eminem vs. Pitbull.I dont care for Eminem, but to paraphrase Stuttering John on Pitbull: WHO are you and what do you do that tends to make you famous??? Advantage: Detroit RESTAURANT: Carls Chop Home vs. Joes Stone Crab. Carls is great, but Joes is the Ideal.Benefit: Miami WRESTLER: Rob Van Dam vs. The ROCK. The Rock is retired from the ring, but my very good pal, Mr. Spend-Per-View/The Whole F---en. Show RVD, is the greatest athlete in wrestling. Dont believe me? Ask Rasheed Wallace. Benefit: Detroit COLLEGE FOOTBALL Programs: U of M. vs. THE U. In the last 25 years, Michigan has won a single National Championship and developed the Most Clutch Quarterback in the NFL, by the name of Tom Brady. Nevertheless, the NFL must be recognized as the University of Miami Alumni Association, and THE U. has won Five (count them: 5) National Championships (should be seven. SEE FLAWED 2000 BCS System and 2003 National Championship Fiesta Bowl for the Worst Contact in Sports History). Advantage: Miami COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES: Lloyd Carr vs. Larry Choker (Ooops, I meant Coker) This is College Footballs version of Wealthy Kotite vs. Ray Handley. Benefit: PUSH Well-known ALUMNI: Selma Blair & Dr. Jack Kevorkian vs. Michael Irvin & The ROCK. The Playmaker & The ROCK lay the Smackdown on all their Candy Asses. Advantage: Miami Ladies: Initially, this appears like a monumental mismatch. In terms of quantity, its a NO CONTEST, but were talking good quality right here. Miami/Ft. Lauderdale girls are FAKER than the silicone in their breasts. Motor City girls are HOT, but far more importantly, theyre Genuine. Benefit: Detroit SPORTS FANS: This is a larger mismatch than Microsoft vs. Enron. Detroit sports fans have suffered through years of futility with the Lions (still are) and Tigers, however unconditionally support their teams via thick and thin. There had been NO Heat fans ahead of Wade and Shaq came to townAlonz-HO Mourning is the epitome of a sell-outthe Canes CANT sell out the Orange Bowl unless they play Florida State or Virginia Techand despite winning TWO Globe Series Championships in the franchises 1st 11 years, the Marlins are now on the brink of contraction. Not a poor idea. Whilst theyre at it, please contract all the fair climate fans also. Hands down, Miami is the BANDWAGON FAN/WORST SPORTS TOWN IN AMERICA! Benefit: Detroit SPORTS Speak HOSTS: From what I have been told, it is NOT a prerequisite for prospective talent to have played for the Lions in order to have their own speak show. They really have to be talented and entertaining broadcasters. Think about that? What a novel concept! Benefit: Detroit NFL TEAMS: Lions: NO Super Bowls Dolphins: TWO Nick Saban could be the next Bill Belichick and Matt Millen is the Isiah Thomas of NFL Front Offices. Benefit: Miami POINT GUARD: Chauncey Mr. Massive Shot Billups (2004 NBA Finals MVP) vs. Jason White Chocolate Williams. This is about comparable to asking Whats a far better movie: THE GODFATHER or GIGLI? Advantage: Detroit SHOOTING GUARD: RIP Hamilton vs. Dwyane Wade. For non-NBA followers, it appears like a no-brainer, but this is a lot closer than it seems. By the way, who held D. Wade scoreless in the fourth quarter of Game Seven 2005 Eastern Conference Finals? RIP, thats who. Even so, this Flash most absolutely has substance. Benefit: Miami Modest FORWARD: Tayshaun Prince vs. Antoine Walker. The battle of the Kentucky Wildcats. Celtic fans should be laughing, as Danny Ainge couldnt wait till An-twahn Walk-ah (Boston accent) left town. He couldnt play Defense if Tony Soprano held a gun to his head. Plus, Tayshaun is Straight Outta Compton, like Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, and Suge Knight. Advantage: Detroit Power FORWARD: Rasheed Wallace vs. Udonis Haslem. Haslem gets exploited like Martha Stewart on Wall Street or Ashlee Simpson on Saturday Night Reside anytime these two face every single other. Sheed is the best outside shooter 68 and above because a guy by the name of Bird. Following a couplemore championships, he will be headed to my hometown of Springfield, to the Basketball Hall of Fame. Perhaps Sheed is the James Worthy of the 21st Century. Advantage: Detroit CENTER: Ben Wallace (four-time NBA Defensive Player of the Year) vs. Shaquille ONeal (3-time Globe Champion). Aside from a couple of playoff games, Shaq looks like a shadow of his former dominant self in this post-season. Shaq gets the edge, but Massive BEN will give him all he can deal with. By the way, who was the center who beat Shaq when he was with the Lakers in 04 and the Heat in 05? Now, that guy goes for the hat trick. Benefit: Miami COACHES: Flip Saunders vs. Pat Riley. Despite the reality that Riles hasnt won anything because Whitney Houston and George Michael have been atop the Billboard Charts in 1988, Flip only made it previous the first round once in his career before he got to Detroit. Riley is a positive-fire Hall of Fame coach, from looking at his pre-Miami rsum. Conversely, verify out his post-New York rsum hed have problems receiving into the WNBA Hall of Fame (See 98, 99, 2000 House Court Season Ending Playoff losses to the Knicks initial round Playoff loss to the then Charlotte Hornets in 01 draft lottery in 02 & 03). Aside from (figuratively) stabbing his greatest buddy, Stan Van Gundy, in the back, hes probably a good guy. Benefit: Miami FRONT OFFICES: Joe Dumars vs. Pat Riley. Hands down, Joe Dumars is the ideal executive in the NBA (SEE lopsided trades: Grant Hill for Ben Wallace & Chucky Atkins Jerry Stackhouse for Richard Hamiltonyou may possibly contact this a RIP OFF PUN Intended). Joe D. may not be excellent, passing on D. Wade, Chris Bosh and Carmelo in the 2003 Draft for Darko, but hes fairly damn close. Riley should know if it aint broke, dont repair it! His team was a minute and a half away from the NBA Finals a year ago, so what did he do? Got rid of the teams ideal 3-point shooter, Damon Jones, legit point guard Keyon Dooling, underrated Rasual Butler, and ideal Defender, Eddie Jones, for White Chocolate, James POSER,and two way previous their prime egomaniacsWalker & Payton. But, most of all, he FIRED his protg, Stan Van Gundy, to appease his own ego.Benefit: Detroit PREDICTION: To quote my new buddy, Frank Vincent, a.k.a. Billy Batts from GOODFELLAS and Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos: MIAMIGO House AND GET YOUR F---IN SHINEBOX! Mickey Arison might sign the paychecks, but the PISTONS Own the Heat! DETROIT ROLLS IN Five GAMES. GUARAN-SHEED! Dont forget to listen to The Sports Edge with yours really, a.k.a. The Genuine American Idol, Marc Bednarczyk, & The Fantastic Jim Grieshaber, every single day on Sirius Satellite Radio (Channel 122) from four-7 P.M. EASTERN.
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